For you

I wake up. I get ready. I do all the things that need be done. I go about my day. I can laugh again. I can go out and have fun. I simply live my life. I can go a day without…

But sometimes, when I’m alone with my thoughts, when I’m reflecting on my life, when I lie in bed late at night, sometimes, without warning, I start to think about… you. I wonder where you are now. What you’re doing at the moment. What you’re dreaming of. Who you now say I love you to. I wonder how much you’ve changed. I’ve changed considerably. I especially try to correct all the mistakes I made with you, and I do things differently, because, well, you know, don’t you? And are you still the girl I used to know, or do the cards lie differently now? They probably do, but how, I cannot tell.

I know you’ll never ever ever read this, that we haven’t spoken for so damn long, and that we probably never will again. I won’t try to contact you, you know that. And I know I don’t have to wait for you to contact me. But I still do, at times, think of you, your smile, your jokes, your candor. All the memories we shared, all our moments long lost to the inexorably pushing sands of time, all the banal yet, to me, weighty conversations. I try, yes, oh how I do try, to find a glimpse of your reflection anywhere. Anything that reminds me of you. Anyone with the same smile, the same eyes, the same sense of humor, the same clothing styles, the same… everything…  Any joke or reference that makes me think of you, even executed differently or with a different outcome… Even though it’s been so long, I can’t seem to forget you.

You were at one point a huge part of my life. I still do not know, and probably never will, if the same was true the other way around. But I do know I never can, never will and never shall forget you. This pain will diminish, but will never leave. That much has become clear.

"Only two things you’d like to forget: things that aren't important and things you wish you could forget; yet wishing never works."