Grrr!!!

This post has been the hardest to write yet (and probably will remain that way for a while), because I wanted to get my feelings conveyed accurately, protect the people involved, describe the situation in as few words as needed and put out sensitive and personal info out in the open without exposing myself too much, and all that was certainly no breeze. It's not what I want to write, nor can it ever be, with my limited vocabulary and my ever flip-flopping train of thoughts; and I frankly don't like the way it comes across, or anything about it for that matter; yet it's the best approximation of how I feel, and I guess I should settle for that. Anyhow, this is the result:

Yesterday evening, in a crowded bar somewhere, I was telling someone about a song which I have been telling a friend about for almost two years, but he still hasn’t heard it so I always pretend to be mad at him for that. She didn't know the song either, and said something that has been running through my mind ever since: ‘you can be angry with me, too’.

Some hours earlier, a girl texted me that, unlike we had agreed the previous day, she would take one train earlier to our common school. She asked me if I wasn't angry.

Last year, there was a girl who was (apparently) in love with me, but didn't have the guts to say anything to me.

Get the picture? I can keep giving examples, but I think you get the point: I can't help but feel that, sometimes, people are afraid of me (me, of all people)! They expect me to have a fit of rage or something, which puzzles me. Let me explain…

I know a guy who has, in his own words, been ‘beating his head against the wall’ for about 3 years now. It makes him, his wife, his kids and his entourage absolutely miserable, and there's about as much he can do about it as trying to blow up the sun (science joke!).

I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna feel down or depressed. Yes, I'll admit I haven’t been feeling optimal lately (see the post below), but I simply refuse to be sad all the time. Life is too short to care about every little detail. I get mad and disappointed at the important things in life, not because you don’t know a song, take another train or are in love.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that you shouldn’t be too afraid of me. I’m not as mean a guy as you might think I am. I often crack jokes at the expense of the people around me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. What I don’t like are bad feelings and vibes, and, as such, try to keep them at a minimum. Consequentially, I also don't like apologies and hearing the word ‘sorry’, because it implies I’m angry or disappointed with the speaker.

Yes, I know, you, the one who is reading this, are probably going to let me down, and possibly again. And I forgive you. I'm a nice, likeable guy (or, at least, I try to be!) who wants people to be happy, without the insipid BS and pointless hardships some like to see others suffer.

So, yes, it’s okay.